


Road To Nowhere

by naom1998



Category: Supernatural
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-08-04
Updated: 2014-08-14
Packaged: 2018-02-11 18:25:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 11,709
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2078469
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/naom1998/pseuds/naom1998
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean's changed a lot since the virus started spreading. He hasn't changed like some people, and it's not necessarily a bad thing, but Castiel is wary. On a mission one day, Dean storms off and Cas follows. His decisions after change his life yet again...</p>
<p>Based in end!verse without the Lucifer and Sam thing.<br/>Written with my best friend based on a dream.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I Was Looking Back On My Life

It took a long time for Dean to even subtly admit his feelings towards Castiel. Let alone professing it in front of other people--most importantly of course, Sam. Cas knew it was worth it in the end, though. As long as he could be with Dean, everything would be okay. With Dean, he was safe.

There was a human phrase that said something along the lines of, “Home is where the heart is.” Cas had heard Ellen say it numerous times before. Sam had explained the meaning to him when he asked.

“Home is where the heart is,” Castiel had repeated. He’d been pondering the words a lt that day.

Finally, after the fourth time, Sam looked up from his current research. “What are you doing?”

“Why does Ellen always say that? What does it mean?” he’d asked.

Sam sighed and flipped closed his current encyclopedia. “Well, it basically means a house is just a house but home isn’t an object. It’s wherever you’re most comfortable I guess.” At that point Castiel nodded his understanding and Sam figured it okay to go back to research.

A few minutes later, “So my home is where my heart is. It’s a metaphor? Wherever or whoever I feel most at home?” Sam nodded. “Home must be with Dean then.” And Cas had zapped out of the room before Sam could get a word in. That was the day he told Dean. Dean, who was working his own job at the moment in Salem, New Hampshire, claiming to need ‘alone time’ because Cas wasn’t ‘giving him enough personal space’.

Cas had turned up not two feet from Dean and began walking alongside him. “Hello, Dean,” he greeted in what Dean always called his ‘monotone voice’. Cas thought his vessel had a pleasant tone. Not nearly as gruff as Dean’s could be.

Dean jumped a good foot before quickly realizing it was just Cas. “Hey, Cas. What’s the word?”

Cas looked at him, confused. "It's the shortened version of my name." Dean sighed and waited for useful information. "Dean, I came here to tell you something." Dean looked up expectantly. "I was just speaking with Sam, and..." he trailed off and, doing what he'd seen humans do so often, looked down at his feet before continuing. "You're my home."

It was Dean's turn to look confused now. He looked from Cas, down to his feet and put a hand on the back of his own neck, clearly trying to avoid the awkward exchange. "Um, Cas? What does this have to do with the job?"

“Nothing, Dean. I just thought I should tell you where my heart lies. Ellen and Sam have taught me that home isn’t a place, it’s with whoever or whatever you love. And I love you.” Dean’s eyes widened, then he smiled.

He started to laugh. “Yeah? You love me?” More laughter followed and Cas frowned. “Well I love you too, man. Next thing you know, rainbows will fill the sky and shoot out of unicorns’ asses.” Castiel was genuinely confused yet again. Did Dean not love him back? Why not?

This world seemed even more big and humane ever since Castiel joined it. Since becoming human, Castiel saw the world differently. Every human he saw, they weren’t just a stack of cells clumped together to form what they are. This race, they are more than that. Those tiny cells create who they are inside and out and every single one of them is different. He never believed it before. It was always something that seemed like a myth to him and the other angels, but now he could see it. Even between Sam and Dean.

“Cas!” Castiel drew in a long breath through his nose and let it out even slower through his mouth before opening the door for Dean to enter. He’d spaced out again. He’d been doing that a lot lately. It’s a human thing, he supposed. “Geez! What have you been doing? I’ve been saying your name for the past five minutes!” Dean didn’t appear to be in a very good mood at the moment. Exaggerating seemed like a favorite activity for him. That was another flaw that Cas dealt with in order to be with him. But then again, Dean always seemed to be this way lately. What had changed? It used to be that all he needed to do to solve Dean’s problems was simply touch him. Not anymore.

That’s one of the things Cas would never understand about being human. The pain. There isn’t anything anyone can do about it, really. You just have to suffer and hope someone is there to hold your hand and tell you everything is going to be alright. Cas thanked Dean every day for that hand but he didn’t think Dean fully understood what he meant by the sincere gratitude. He didn’t have to feel that loss. He’d had lack of power ever since he was conceived. And yet, to Castiel, Dean was everything.

“Cas?!” Cas snapped out of his trance again, big blue eyes shooting up to meet Dean’s wide green ones. Cas stands up from where he was sitting and abruptly wraps his arms around Dean’s neck, squeezing him in for a hug. He knew Dean would end it soon because that was who Dean was lately. He was all work, no play. Before the virus spread, Dean was still fine with Castiel’s spontaneous attitude and patient when Cas wanted to spend time looking at the finer details of humanity.

But for once, Dean doesn’t pull back right away. In fact, he looks down into Cas’ eyes right before closing his own and kissing Cas the way they used to. Cas happily let the heat of the moment get to them and let his body melt into Dean’s. For a second, he let himself imagine that maybe they could still do stuff like this recreationally. As if reading his mind, Dean pulled back and gave a slight shake of his head as if to say, “No. That’s just not how things are anymore. It isn’t that easy.”

“Why not?” Cas whispers aloud. His hands slid down and around Dean’s middle. He stared at Dean’s hands where they were placed on Cas’ chest, just laying there to keep the distance.

“You know why,” Dean responded in his huskier voice that is only that distinct when Cas has turned him on. Cas almost genuinely smiles for the first time in a really long time. It’s a good thing, but if he is getting Dean even slightly to the point where he’d say yes in agreement to maybe even a quick fucking, then he’d better stay on the more innocent side of things.

“C’mon, Dean. It’s been forever,” he complained, still in a semi-whisper. The corner of Dean’s lips quirked and Cas knew the one thing that would push him over the edge. He slowly dragged his hands from where they were placed on his sides, up his chest, and down to his biceps on either side. For some reason, that was a turn-on for Dean. Cas smiled at last as Dean’s lips came crashing down on his own and gleefully kissed him back. Dean’s fingers traced an agonizingly slow line down Cas’ chest, down his abs, only to be a tease and trace lines on his hipbones. One of Cas’ favorite things that Dean just happened to enjoy doing as well.

Cas pulled his lips away from Dean’s, rapidly placing kisses along his neck. Dean muffled a moan, throwing his head to the side, granting Cas better access. Cas placed his palms on Dean’s chest. His right hand laid perfectly flat on Dean’s anti-possession tattoo. He’d become quite fond of that tattoo and thought about kissing it too but first he had to finish his work on Dean’s neck, making sure to mark him up. Dean really liked looking at the marks when he couldn’t look at Cas because it was a constant reminder that he was Castiel’s and no one else’s. Cas’ hands remembered what they were doing and nudged Dean so he knew that Cas wanted to go to the bed.

“No, Cas,” Dean said sternly in that extra-husky voice Cas loved so much. He could feel his neck vibrate when he spoke and he wasn’t about to lie--it was hot. Dean shuffled over to the bed in the other room despite his complaints. They only hit the wall twice and knocked down an old photograph that didn’t belong to them, laughing as it shattered behind them. They were both completely infatuated with each other. They just couldn’t seem to get enough and couldn't seem to think of much else.

Cas slid his hands down Dean's chest and began undoing Dean's jeans. Dean broke away from their kiss then. "No," he said harsher than intended.

Cas scanned Dean's eyes for a hint of joking, but there was none.

“Dean,” Castiel moaned, both annoyed and very turned on.

Dean smiled as his name was said and replied with a strained, “Cas, not tonight, angel. 'Kay?” That’s when Dean backed up, laying on the bed next to Castiel. "Sorry."

“I love you,” Cas said when he finally caught his breath after it all. In the darkness that followed, all he managed to catch was Dean’s light smile and a kiss to Cas’ forehead as they curled in on each other.

“I love you too, angel pie.” Cas smiled at the pet name and fell asleep wrapped in Dean’s strong, warm arms, thinking to himself, 'why can’t this last forever?'


	2. And All the Things I've Done To Me

The next morning they awoke to a pounding at the door. Dean was up on his feet just mere seconds before Cas opened his sleepy eyes, watching as his partner quickly pulled on jeans. He frowned as he realized maybe the shower would have to wait. The banging became louder and Dean didn’t bother to put a shirt on because of the supposed urgency coming from outside. Cas decided to stay in bed since Dean seemed to have it covered this time. He heard the door swing open and the knocking stop. He could hear hushed voices in the other room but Cas had adapted good sense of hearing thanks to Dean.

“Oh, Sam. Hey.” He could almost hear the tension in Dean being relieved.

“Dean, we gotta go.”

“What? Where?” And there's the tension again.

“Dean, go get Cas and let’s go! I don’t have time to explain right now. I’ll tell you on the way!” Cas got up and immediately started pulling on clothes. Jeans--probably Dean’s but oh well--a tee-shirt, and a button-up shirt to go over it, followed by his socks and boots. He’d been trained by now and knew how to leave within two minutes if he had to.

Dean was already busy preparing two backpacks of possible essentials. They never knew anymore what they would need or when. “Why didn’t we already have these packed?” he grumbled. Cas ignored it because he hated it when Dean talked like that. It wasn’t good for either of them. They didn’t know what was going to happen in the future so it isn’t their fault they weren’t prepared.

They finally got themselves outside and that’s where Sam stood. Taller? Probably not. But to Cas and Dean, he always seemed to be getting taller. Kind of a sentimental thought now. He’s a grown man. He’s not getting any taller. Hopefully. The nickname Moose is enough.

“Alright. What’s up?” Dean asked Sam. Cas realized again he’d been cheated of his shower. As if reading his mind again, Dean looked over his shoulder at him and mouthed, “Later.” Cas smiled back at the promise of a later.

“Apparently, the Croatoan virus has almost tripled since the first month now. We’re literally making no progress at all in killing these things. So they’re sending out hunting parties in ten minutes. You gotta get there fast if you want to go--and I suggest you do.” Dean nodded, ready. This is what he’s been raised to do. Cas nodded only because Dean did. In all reality though, he was scared. Croatoans, after all, are scary. And despite acting all macho, every single person here is just as scared as he is. They’re just better at hiding it.

But Cas doesn’t voice his opinion. Instead of saying, “Dean, let’s just go back and take that shower” or even, “You know, maybe we should go visit Meg and see if she needs any help holding down West Point”, he follows Sam and Dean to the center of camp where he knew they were setting up teams to separate the power. He can now say that he should have just spoken up because where he ended up due to this, changed his life even more than becoming human did. Even more than falling in love with Dean did.

...

 

“There are two goals today. One: Food. Two: Kill. I advise small groups for this. We will be gone no more than seven days. If you’re gone longer than ten, you’re assumed dead and your memorial will be discussed. Group One, we’re sending you out the North gates,” Chuck shouted. He was definitely awkward, but no one could deny he was a good leader. He was a great organizer too so it all worked out. “Leader will be Dean Winchester.” Dean was leader of the whole damn camp--of course he gets Group One and North. However North is where a majority of the Croatoans occupy for some reason. “Group Two has the East. Leader is Sam Winchester.” Cas saw Sam nod just the tiniest bit, already taking the honor. “Group Three obviously takes South. Castiel’s got that one.” Cas’ eyes go wide. He’ll have to talk to Chuck when this is over. “And Group Four gets West. Meg can handle that. Meg, Sam, Cas, and Dean, go ahead and pick your people.” Chuck quickly evaded the crowd approaching by going back in his ‘home away from home’. Cas followed studiously.

“Chuck,” Cas demanded in a low voice, opening his door without warning. Chuck abruptly turned around in his chair to face Cas.

“Oh, hey Cas. Wasn’t expecting you--”

“What the fuck was that?!” Dean shouted, barging in as well. Clearly he wasn’t the only shocked one to see Cas standing here in Chuck’s house. Dean looked from Cas back to Chuck. “If he’s here to try to go North with me," Dean said, motioning to Cas, "and you accept, I will personally come kill you. Castiel will not be going South either. I want him back here, alive. Got that? I'll have a word with you later.” He didn’t wait for a response. With that, Dean turns on his heel without another look at Cas. Cas looks back at Chuck who shrugs, eyes bulging with fear of Dean.

After that, Cas didn't even bother trying to change Chuck's mind. He simply walked back to Dean's place.

"Dean!" he yelled as he walked through the door, not caring who hears their fight this time. "Dean!" Dean rounded the corner to where Cas was.

"Don't you even start! You don't know what it's like!" Dean yelled back.

"What what's like?"

"Losing someone you spend a majority of your life fighting for! I can't do it again!" Rather than recognizing the thought behind Dean's words, Cas was angrier.

"And I don't? What the hell do you think I've been doing all these years? I've given everything and NOW you're scared I'll just die or something? Even if I go with you? Dean, if I go with you, we'll both be safer if anything!" He lowers his voice now. "And even if we do die, I'd rather die with you than be alone in my last--" Dean cut him off, smashing his mouth against Castiel's. Cas just stepped back. "Stop that. I'm angry with you."

Dean smirked and leaned in again, kissing him briefly. "For what?" He kissed him, Cas still didn't kiss back. "Taking control?" Dean kissed him again, slightly longer. Cas really wanted to kiss him back, though. "Being scared?" Another kiss placed on the corner of his mouth. Cas sighed, suppressing a moan at Dean's tease. "Cas, I love you, okay? I guess I just wasn't thinking straight this time. I'll have Chuck switch a few things around in the morning, I guess. You're coming with me." Castiel smiled.

"Thank you, Dean."

By the end of the afternoon the groups were completely put together and everyone was packed. They planned to leave before sunrise tomorrow morning. While sitting together on the bed that night, Cas spread out and curled up against Dean’s chest. Dean looked down at him and smiled.

“So, angel pie," Dean started. "Might be our last night on Earth. Again. What are your plans?" Cas smiled at him.

"I just want to spend time with you," he sighed. He actually wasn't even in the mood for sex at the moment. Dean seemed surprised by this, too.

"Wanna dance?" Castiel lifted his head to look into Dean's eyes.

"What?"

"Wanna dance?" He took Castiel's hand and Cas sat up, moving to follow Dean. Dean turned on the radio and put in an older tape. Soon enough, the soft voices of the Beatles started flowing through the room.

Something in the way she moves, attracts me like no other lover...

"Beatles?" Cas asked skeptically. This didn't seem very Dean-like.

Something in the way she woos me, I don't want to leave her now, you know I believe and how...

"Yeah, sure. Why not?" Cas shrugged.

Somewhere in her smile she knows, that I don't need no other lover...

Dean took the two paces that met Cas' body with his own. He took one of Cas' hands in his own and put another hand on Cas' waist. Cas couldn't help but giggle. Dean smiled down at him.

Something in her style that shows me, yeah, I don't want to leave her now, you know I believe and how...

"What?" Dean laughed.

"You've never danced with me."

You're asking me, will my love grow? I don't know, I don't know, you stick around now it may show, I don't know, I don't know

"In all of our years together, I've never once taken you dancing? Shown you off?" Cas shook his head. "Wow. Well, I wish it wasn't too late." He had a sad look on his face again. Cas stood up on his tip-toes to place a soft, chaste kiss on Dean's lips. Dean kissed him back quickly before Cas pulled back and rested his head on Dean's chest.

Something in the way she knows, and all I have to do is think of her, something in the things she shows me...

Dean rested his chin on the top of Cas' head after a small kiss where his chin laid then.

I don't want to leave her now, you know I believe and how...

“Possibly our last night on Earth again," Dean mumbled against Cas' head. "I think this is the best way I could spend it,” he finally said after a few more seconds.

The song ended and Dean pulled Cas into an embrace after taking out the tape, leading him to the bed. They both got under the covers and Dean turned out the light. It was early, but both of them were tired and they'd have to get up early the next morning. Dean’s hand stroked up and down Cas’ arm to soothe him, noticing that he was cold--probably in fear. Cas was already worked up again about tomorrow. “It’s going to be fine, baby." Eventually Cas was calm enough to sleep and Dean fell that way not long after.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry I'm so bad at smut. I just felt it would be relevant here. Leave feedback and tips, please! As you can see, I need it . . .


	3. I'm Still Looking For the Answers

The next morning--not even--Dean woke Cas up from their sleep. From the other side of the bedroom Dean tossed a shotgun for Cas to catch. He caught it barrel up expertly, just as Dean had taught him. Dean smiled, pride showing. Then he got serious again, frowning.

“Dean, I’ll be fine with you. I’ll be fine,” Cas said, attempting to reassure Dean, as he saw the worry in Dean’s expression. He reached out a hand as he circled around the bed to his partner and grabbed his wrists. “We’ll both be fine because we’ll be together. We’re family, remember?” Dean nodded and pretended to be okay again but Cas could see through the lie. He knew Dean better than he knew himself half of the time. “What do I have to do to convince you we’ll be okay?”

“It’s not us I’m worried about. We’ll always be okay. I’m worried about you,” Dean admitted.

“Dean, I am no less capable of protecting myself than I was as an angel.” Dean knew that was a huge lie but hearing it come out of Cas’ mouth like that somehow comforted him the way he needed to be. Cas got up on his tiptoes a bit so his lips could meet with Dean’s. “We’ll be fine. We’ll be safe. We’ll stay together,” Cas repeated. “I promise.”

“That’s a tough promise to make.”

“But you know I don’t break my promises.” Dean smiled a little at that. Cas figured he’d gotten through to him. They would be safe. How could this go wrong? It wasn’t nearly as dangerous a mission as some of the other things they’d had to do recently. They would be gone a week at most. Seven days exactly and if they weren’t back, there would be a twenty-four hour search party before being assumed dead. They’d be fine.

Soon Sam was knocking on the door. “Guys, you got a crowd out here. You’d better get going soon if you’re going to beat the Croats by at least an hour.”

“We’re coming,” Dean yelled back, annoyance clear in his tone. Cas’ hand stroked his arm, again trying to soothe him. Dean turned back to look him in the eye. “Why are you so damn insistent on going?”

Cas looked him dead on and simply replied, “If one of us die, and I’m not saying we will, I don’t want to be alone. I don’t want you to be alone. We’re going to be together to the end, you hear me?” Dean nodded. “That’s another promise I don’t intend on breaking.” Dean smiled and leaned in for a last real kiss before they wouldn’t get anymore alone time for a while.

Less than fifteen minutes later, they were outside the gates walking hushed strides with their group of ten others. There was Bobby, Jo, Ellen, Ash, Charlie, Becky(AKA Chuck’s former girlfriend), Garth, and a few others. Frankly, Dean had very little hope in Becky and Garth. Cas had high hopes in everyone but the chances that they would all last the whole week were little. He was scared for Charlie and Jo but knew they could handle it. They were like sisters to Dean and Cas adored each of them. Plus, if anything were to happen to Jo, Ellen would go down with her. And Ash, being their loyal guard dog, would sacrifice himself to the cause. It was mean, but Dean had a silent bet going on in his head with himself that if anyone were to die, Becky would be first. Cas scolded him for it.

Cas started humming beside Dean just a few minutes into their trek, quiet so no one around him could hear it but Dean due to how close they were. Dean smirked a little, knowing he taught the song to Cas.

Dean joined in when the part with the words came. “Home in the valley,” he sang in a hushed voice. “Home in the city. Home isn’t pretty. Ain’t no home for me.” Cas smiled at him, shotgun still in his hands as they kept a lookout, before joining in the second verse.

“Home in the darkness, home on the highway, home isn’t my way, home I’ll never be,” they sang together. That’s when Bobby heard them.

“You idjits singin’ Blue Oyster Cult? Seriously?” Dean huffed a laugh at Bobby’s lack of music taste and continued anyway in a slightly louder voice so everyone could hear Cas too when he raised his voice to meet Dean’s.

“Burn out the day, burn out the night, I can’t see no reason to put up a fight.” He heard Jo start singing too and giggled. “I’m living for givin’ the devil his due. And I’m burnin’, I’m burnin’, I’m burnin’ for you!”

“Alright you three,” Ellen finally intervened. “We’re on a serious mission. I don’t know who elected Dean Winchester as leader but I’m taking my rightfully owned position back.” Jo rolled her eyes at her mother. Apparently Cas was the only one who saw as he smiled at her. She smiled back as she passed him.

“You know it’s amazing how much of our lives is represented in that song,” Cas spoke. Dean looked at him, waiting for an explanation. “Well, especially you. You see, when it explains that basically, home is everywhere, that’s how you’ve been living your whole life. You’ve never had a stable home--not for more than a few months or a year at least. However it then says that ‘home isn’t pretty’ which means the narrator is okay with not having the perfect life, like you. In the next verse it says ‘home I’ll never be’ meaning they think they’ll never be granted a higher position in society, certainly not one in which they can own a proper home. Then finally, in the last line you sang, ‘I can’t see no reason to put up a fight. I’m livin’ for givin’ the devil his due.’ I don’t think that line needs explaining, do you?”

“I don’t think any of that needed explaining. It’s a good song, end of story. Blue Oyster Cult is great, Bobby. Deal.” Dean’s good moods sure could end fast.

“The sass is immense today, Dean,” Becky pointed out.

“Nobody’s asking you,” he replied.

“Says the man who I used to be sister-in-law to.”

“That was just a weekend because you got him drunk.”

“It was only based off of real emotion!” 

“Did he ever even sign the divorce papers?”

“I don’t think so, actually.” She smiled down at the ring she wore on her finger still and Cas laughed to himself. He knew the truth--Becky Rosen-Winchester is still her legal name. Sam and Becky never finished the government part of it all, mainly because Sam would have to use his real name, which wouldn’t go well, but also because the Croatoan virus had started being spread. 2011. “What?” she spat defensively at his low chuckle.

“Oh, uh, nothing. I was just--” Cas started.

“Enough! No more talking for at least five minutes!” Ellen countered yet again. “You’re lucky it’s too damn early for the Croats to hear you. Now shut up.” Cas noted the smile Bobby showed her and saw the grin Ellen shot back. If only it were still 2013, before the virus began. Things were so much simpler back then. Maybe Ellen and Bobby could find happiness with each other. Cas smiled at what a happy family it would make. Bobby and his ‘kids’ Dean and Sam, Ellen with her daughter Jo. And maybe Cas would be allowed in the picture somewhere.

Less than three minutes later there was a rustling noise beside Cas. His eyes went wide, alert, and he nudged Dean’s arm with his elbow. Dean looked at him, and he stopped only when Cas nodded his head toward where he heard the noise. Dean nodded and made a motion with his hand, signaling to the others that there would be action any minute now.

C’mon, show yourself, Cas thought. As if it read his mind, at that very minute a woman--no longer herself--jumped from the shadows and attacked him. He wasn’t as ready for her appearance as he’d thought he would be. She had a knife in hand, ready to cut him open and exchange blood. Cas was ready for that part. So was Dean. Dean shoved her off of him and Cas took the knife away just as she was about slice at his cheek. With the skills Dean had taught him about shooting guns and how to kill a Croat, Cas expertly handled the gun and shot her in the head while Dean held it up by her hair.

“They’re getting stronger,” Dean noted out loud.

“Well yeah,” Bobby agreed in a wise tone. “The longer they’re infected the stronger and faster they get. You should know that by now, boy.” Dean nodded. Cas was sure he already knew that. He was probably nodding out of respect to poor Bobby. Dean respected Bobby more than anyone Cas knew Dean had relations with. And he practically knew everything about Dean. He was literally Dean’s guardian angel.

Sometimes Cas saw Dean looking at him. But not like normal. It was like Cas wasn’t himself, or wasn’t there. And it hurt. Everyone had changed so much. Nobody was their old selves anymore. Even Cas. Sometimes he wondered if Dean had given up on him. Or if he even loved him anymore. Dean was that one guy that could have literally any human being out there. He was magnificent. There was no one better, at least not to Cas. He wondered if Dean thought that about him. Or if Cas was “just another notch in the bedpost” as humans say.

They eventually got through the day and set up a tiny camp to sleep, ready for anything, of course. In the case of a Croat attack? Guns are under everyone’s pillow(bag) and they all sleep on their stomach. In the case that they have to leave in moment’s notice? Everyone’s bags are always packed and ready.


	4. I'm Still Searching For the Key

Day Four away from Base:

Cas’ day was off to a rough start. Ellen had decided to let Dean and himself sleep in. Apparently, everyone left the area that they were sleeping in to go find more food. There was a note, because Ellen knows Dean as well as Jo or Bobby and knew this freak-out would happen. Dean woke up in a panic due to this and rather than enjoy their little bit of alone time, freaked out.

“Cas, you don’t get it! They could die!” he said after waking Cas up mercilessly just seconds before.

Cas got defensive over this. “You don’t think they’d have that risk anyway? Dean, we’re all at risk for death. Every day.Croats or not, we’re all going to die. It’s truth. You have to learn to deal with it. And either way, you can’t keep taking on this weight. It isn’t your responsibility! Who lives and who dies is completely out of your control. That’s in God’s hands.” He regretted it as soon as he said it. God isn’t really a topic either of the boys enjoyed. It just caused more fights than necessary. Dean turned away for a moment and spun back.

“It is my responsibility, though. I was raised into it whether I liked it or not. This--this is what I was born to do. If you don’t like it, fine. That’s not my problem.” Cas didn’t like the path their argument was going so he tried to stop it where it was at.

“Dean, we just woke up. It’s too early to start fighting like this.”

“And you know, how did they forget to put someone on guard duty? There is one job that always needs to be filled and it’s--”

“Hey, guys!” they heard above them. Both of their gazes shot up in synchronization. Garth was sitting in a tree keeping lookout. “Becky left me on guard duty!”

“Becky?” Dean asked, more pissed than he’d been. “Why are you taking orders from Becky?”

“Becky told me you’d say that.” He looked at a paper in his hands. “Ah yes. Here it is.” He read: “‘In the case that Dean Winchester says ‘Why are you taking orders from Becky’ or anything of the sort, disregard him and continue your lovely day.’ Smiley face. Legible signature. Becky Rosen-Winchester.” Dean rolled his eyes.

“Whatever. Can you at least get down from the tree?” Garth looked around him and then down, examining his way up.

“Nope,” he finally settled with. “I’m afraid that just won’t be possible.”

“Please don’t tell me you’re scared of heights?” Garth looked up.

“I may or may not be slightly afraid heights.”

“How did you even get up there?”

“I climbed.”

Dean knew it was useless to bicker with Garth and went up after him. It wasn’t safe. Croats could climb. So Cas kept busy and stayed aware in case of Croats.

There were a few close calls, but nothing too bad. Dean was obviously worried for him. It took an hour to get Garth down and in that time, one Croat had managed to get up in the trees with them while Cas fought off two at once. One of which, Dean shot from the tree. Cas was very thankful for Dean’s keen awareness. But finally Garth was safely on the ground again.

“How long did Ellen--did Becky,” he corrected himself, “say they would be gone for?” Garth shrugged his shoulders and looked back down at the note from Becky.

Again he read, “Gone from 7:00am-7:00pm at the latest. Garth Fitzgerald IV is in charge until then.” Dean sighed. He hated having to wait for things, but there was no chance that he was about to leave Garth here alone. That was the plan from the very beginning. Do not leave anyone alone. So three was an awkward number because if they had four, then Dean would have them split up. Two stay, two look for food. Simplicity worked best in these times. But the problem was that there weren’t four of them. If they wanted--or needed to leave--they would have to go in their group of three.

“Think we should go find ‘em?” Dean finally asked an hour later. There had been no signs of Croats since the tree incident was very odd. This time of day was what they called a “hot-zone”. There were places and times that were the most dreaded and they’d hit the mother of all. This should be the most dangerous place in all of Kansas, especially right now. So where were the Croats?

“What, are you crazy?” Garth asked. “If we’re not being attacked right now, can’t we just consider ourselves lucky and stay here?”

“No. Ellen and Jo and Bobby and everyone else in our group is in danger. Don’t you see that?”

“Dean, calm down,” Cas spoke quietly. They’d been talking to each other but not directly since the fight that morning. “How about we wait until 7:00, like Becky said. If they aren’t back by 8:00, we’ll leave. It’ll be dark and more safe then too. Just… Not now. We’re going to stay here and protect the camp like we were left here to do.”

“Screw it, I’m going alone.”

“That’s against every rule Chuck gives!” Cas shouted at him as he stormed off.

“Chuck’s not the leader. I am.” And with that, he was gone. Cas looked from the place in the woods that Dean disappeared, to Garth, and back again. What had become of them? What was Dean thinking?

Castiel decided to wait for Dean’s tantrum to end. He’d come back, slightly more relaxed, just like always. Whenever they got in fights and one of them left, it was safest to just stay put and wait it out and that was exactly what Cas planned on doing.

But three hours was too long for him. Garth had started making a hideous noise -- whistling through his teeth. Dean would have cursed at him, maybe even knocked him out for Cas because he knew Cas couldn’t stand any type of whistling. Especially through his teeth. It was a worse noise than fingernails scraping a chalkboard.

Castiel couldn’t listen anymore. He stood up suddenly, scaring Garth from continuing. “Garth, please, please stay here. Dean is my responsibility. I have to go find him.” Garth nodded, understanding.

“Shouldn’t I go with you? We only have an hour to wait until Becky and the others come back.”

He made up a human excuse he’d heard a lot. “I really need some time to myself… to think,” he added. Garth nodded again and went back to whittling. “Thank you.” Cas picked his bag up and chucked it over his shoulders, then grabbed his gun and held it in a relaxed position once the strap was over his shoulder. It was ready in case of a fight, but not in a tense position that would make him seem anything other than safe. He rushed away from the noise as quick as possible.

A few hours into his trek, he started to become worried. Some for Garth and the wrath that would come from everyone when they found out he’d let both Dean and Castiel leave and some for himself. He was all alone in these woods. They weren’t friendly woods either since it was a known fact that these woods were crawling with Croats just happy to rip out his throat given the chance. Anyone’s really. He was also worried for Dean. Had he made it back? If so, is he worried that Cas has gone missing?

“Dean?” he whispered into the empty and growing darkness. He could admit he was scared now. Terrified. The lack of light was just making the fear level rise. Not just fear, but anxiety now too. He hadn’t been alone like this ever since first becoming human.

He felt more alone than ever and what a horrible feeling it was. Deep in his gut, everything felt wrong. He knew that with Dean he was safe. Dean promised. Cas promised. But away? On his own? How alone he felt. He didn’t miss anything about this feeling. It was dreadful. So again he hissed into the foggy woods, “Dean!” Again, his pleading came to with no response. “Dean, please… Please…”

Soon, the hour turned into three. Cas was more scared than ever. Why hadn’t Dean come to find him? Why had he failed Cas when he needed him most? The answer? Dean simply wouldn’t do that. Dean must be dead. Cas was stranded, all alone, and he couldn’t find his way back. Eventually, he forced himself to face the cold truth. He was lost. He kept walking, but that just got himself more lost.

Things were certainly not going his way. He couldn’t sleep at all that night, so he walked. He walked until there wasn’t anywhere to go. And even then, he trudged through, hoping to find his Dean. He gave no mercy to the Croats who dared to show themselves anymore, instead easily beheading them as if they were lifeless weeds in a garden. And after five days of this, he’d just about given up.

He’d lost his faith a long time ago, way before any of this. But now, he turned to his father for help.

“Uh, you know, I’ve been watching humans do this for over four billion years and I’ve never once been given an opportunity… bad enough to do it myself. To pray to you. Every time they do it--talk to you--they are either thanking you or asking for something. Miracles most of the time. I’ve never been that desperate until now. So for old time’s sake can you give me a miracle? Not that I live or anything. Just… I need him to live. I need to know that he survives all this. Dean. Can you do that?” Castiel stopped talking, as if waiting for a response. “Didn’t think so. I mean, in all my years, I’ve taken orders from you. I’ve listened to everything you say and I’ve always obeyed. I haven’t even seen you in the last billion. I don’t even remember what you look like anymore. But I still obeyed because it was expected of me. Until I met the Winchesters. Dean most importantly. He taught me so much. The one thing he taught me that I will never forget is that it’s okay to do a little rebelling if it’s for something you believe in. You know what I believe in? I believe in Dean. Dean will save the world. From demons, from angels, from everything you throw our way, and soon he’ll save it from you. All you are is what I’m becoming. A cold-blooded killer.”

He got up abruptly and kept walking, possibly South, thinking of his father and Dean and what he’d do to see either of them right now.

He cried himself to sleep that night because he couldn’t do it anymore. He couldn’t keep pretending that there was hope. He cried for a lot of reasons, though. He cried because he was alone. He cried because he missed Dean.

Not this Dean, his Dean. His Dean was always compassionate, even when trying not to be. His Dean gave second chances. His Dean would give his all into his work even though he hated it. His Dean talked in his sleep. His Dean hated the life he was brought into but only expressed this to Cas. His Dean showed fear. His Dean liked to always have one hand on Cas at all times in fear of losing him. But it wasn’t just that. His Dean was afraid that if he let go of something he loved for too long, then it would be stolen from him just like everything else. His Dean showed emotion. His Dean loved.

In the past five days, Cas spent all of his time between calling out loudly for Dean--loud enough that he attracted Croats a few times; eating what little he could keep down--only because he figured that’s what Dean would have wanted him to do; and killing every Croat that came his way--no exceptions. There was even a child Croat that he may have shown some sympathy for a few days ago, but not now.

So after five days of this, he finally rested. It was a lost cause, after all, to be searching for Dean. If Dean ever went back and found Cas missing, he was probably over it by now. Old Dean would have cared. He would have died to find him. This Dean wasn’t the same. He didn’t care. He probably already hooked up with someone new.


	8. The Wreckage of My Past Keeps Haunting Me

Day Ten away from Base(Six away from Dean):

“What do you mean he’s the Castiel? What does that mean?” Cas didn’t recognize the voice but knew well enough to pretend he was still sleeping so he could eavesdrop.

“Castiel? The one?” He definitely knew this voice. How could he forget? He was suddenly terrified. The man sighed in exasperation. “The rebel! Castiel is the chosen one. He thought he was God a few years ago, remember?” Cas guessed the guy shrugged or said no because he continued with another sigh. “Cas is the one that was supposed save the angels. But then--then love got in the way. He fell in love with the human.” That apparently startled something in the guy’s memory.

“Dean Winchester? The human?” The guy sounded excited. Why? Cas figured it was time for him to ‘wake up’. His mouth was duct taped and so were his wrists. His ankles were hogtied. Well, in the words of Dean, shit.

“Hey, angel,” came Alastair’s haunting voice. “Wakey-wakey.” He’d moved too much. And he may have said that word out loud. “Shit’s right. You’re screwed now. But if you’re an angel, why were you sleeping? More importantly, why aren’t you smiting us? It would be so easy,” Alastair teased. Castiel could feel his hands shaking behind his back. Any time you had the displeasure of acquainting with Alastair, things were bad. He was tied up. That was even worse.

“He lost his swag,” the other man said in awe.

“Swag?” Alastair asked his henchman, clearly disappointed in his lack of vocabulary and knowledge.

“I lost my grace,” Castiel attempted to correct through the tape. The man laughed along with Alastair at his struggle.

Alastair coughed another laugh. “You what now?” The other man tore the tape from Castiel’s mouth to let him speak.

“I lost my grace,” Castiel repeated in a hurt voice. His throat hurt. Everything did, really.

“Prove it,” Alastair demanded.

“How?” Cas rasped.

The men thought a moment. “Do something that would hurt a human but wouldn’t hurt an angel.” Castiel bit his lip.

“Fine. Give me that knife.” He nodded his head toward a knife sticking out of the other man’s back pocket. He was hoping they would be foolish enough to hand it to him.

“This’ll cut you?” the man asked.

“An angel wouldn’t even feel it.” Alastair informed. He pulled the knife out and when Cas thought he would be stupid enough to give it to him, he slashed at Cas’ arm. It stung at first but he was soon distracted by the talking men.

“He’s not an angel!” Alastair said in awe, then smiled slyly.

“That’s what I told you,” Castiel said, nonchalant.

“But isn’t Jimmy dead? How are you here?” he asked.

“He’s...unconscious.” Alastair nodded. “I don’t know how I’m here.”

“How did this happen?” he asked, meaning losing his grace.

Lie. Lie. Lie. Lie. Lie. Cas told himself. They simply could not know this.

“Or is why did you lose your grace a better question?” Son of a bitch. He could practically hear Dean’s profanities in his mind. Lie. Lie. Lie. Think of something. Quick.

“I got in a fight… With another angel.” They didn’t look convinced. He looked down at the sliced skin on his arm to keep himself distracted. Think, think, think. What would Dean do?

“Who?”

“Metatron,” Castiel lied quickly. It made sense at least.

Thankfully for Castiel, Alastair wasn’t in the mood to persist today. He knew Alastair would get to the torturing soon enough and Cas was in no hurry for that.

Apparently, neither was Alastair. Castiel waited patiently for the first slap or whip or something to come, but it never did. He still had Dean’s watch on and so far, he’d been here two hours.

If Dean got himself into a situation like this, his next step to escape would be to fight his way out and fight. So Cas started strategizing. As if reading his mind, Alastair smiled at him.

“Ready? I want answers.” Punishment time. “First, I’d like to know how you really lost your grace. I’m not that stupid, Castiel.”

“I ripped it out.” That earned him a blow to the face.

Alastair made a snapping noise with his tongue a few times. Tsk tsk tsk. “You know, this would go by a lot faster and less painfully for you if you told the truth.”

“It’s okay. I like pain,” Castiel replied as sassily as possible, tongue scraping along his cheek, assessing damage.

“Cute foreplay,” Alastair replied, unfazed. “Maybe you’ll like this then.” Alastair’s fist connected with Castiel’s jaw again. The blow hurt worse than the last because he was hit in the exact same spot.

“That was...satisfying,” Castiel lied. Alastair’s voice could grate someone’s skull. Hopefully, Alastair would get bored with him, but that was very unlikely.

After two more hours of this, he did decide on a break. Castiel was cracking but they didn’t know that. He hadn’t said anything yet.

He checked his surroundings in a matter of seconds. His best shot was to find weapons. There was that knife which was now back in the man’s back pocket. There was a gun on a crate next to two chairs. Helpful. So far his best option. It was only about four feet away. Then finally, exit plans. When and if he shot them, he needed an exit plan. Shoot and run. But where? One window, one large door next to it, and easiest--the door about ten feet away in front of him.

His plan was clear, except for two things. How to get unstuck and how did he plan on fighting Alastair as a human? That was a dilemma. Now he really needed a miracle. The only possible situation he saw was stealing the knife next time the other man walked by. Who knew when that would be? He hadn’t moved in a while. Both men were now sitting across from Castiel, settled. He was going to be here awhile unless he could think of another plan. The only things he could think of were based on those silly western based horror movies Dean liked so much. They couldn’t really hurt him if he tried, though. It was a harmless plan. Why not?

“I have to pee,” Castiel said a few hours later during another break session when he built up the courage, quoting a favorite of Dean’s. Why did Dean love those so much? Speaking of Dean, Castiel’s new favorite question came up. Did he even care that Castiel had vanished and--

“Go for it,” Alastair said, unfazed.

He looked down at Dean’s watch as they argued. It had been exactly twenty four hours now since he woke up here.

“Aw c’mon! He can’t just pee here! That’s disgusting!” the man said.

“You’re such an idiot. We can’t just let him go. Castiel is stupid and weak, but not as stupid and weak as you seem to think.” Castiel took the compliment. “Keep in mind he’s a rebel angel even without his grace. He will always be a target to the angels. They’ll find him soon and I can’t let that happen until I have the answers I need.”

“Well I don’t want this place smelling like a freaking toilet.” A man defiant to Alastair. Who was he? Did he even know how powerful and careless Alastair is? It’ll be a shame to have to kill him.

“You are such an asshole. I hope you know that. You know what? He can go, but you have to go with him. It’s lucky for you your kind is so irreplaceable lately.” The man sighed and contemplated. Smelly place, or standing with another man while he peed. He finally sighed again and stood up. Castiel’s plan was working. There were a few things he’d have to improvise, but soon, with any luck he’ll be free. Free to find Dean, hopefully.

The man cut the tape from Cas’ feet first, then his hands, and led him outside. Perfect. He could off this one and then run, or kill Alastair too. But that’s kind of a risky kill. Castiel was led to a dimly lit area. It looked about midnight. That made it an official week away from Dean. Dean would be back at Base now. Everybody would. Everyone, including Dean, will consider him dead. This was day eleven away from Base. He’s been dead for four days. Would they forget about him?

Castiel peed because he really did have to, but he took an extra second to think about what he was about to do. Turn. Knife. Stab. Run. Sounds easy enough, but he was scared because it wasn’t that easy. And who knew? Maybe Alastair would come out and fight him. If that happened, he’d be dead in a heartbeat. But maybe he’d get lucky. Maybe he’d run like planned.

He had five minutes tops before Alastair got curious and came out looking. This would have to be fast. He needed to hurry. Go! he heard Dean yell at him in his mind. Now is your chance!

He turned around casually and slowly walked toward the man, who was turned the other way. Either homophobic or decent enough to give privacy. Either way, Cas quickly and efficiently slid the knife out of the man’s back pocket, cupped his palm over the man’s mouth as he started to turn around and stabbed him in the stomach when he did. It felt so natural by now. All he had to do was pretend it was a Croat he was fighting. That was way too simple. He let the man fall to his knees gasping and turned around to leave. That was before he realized the guy had had a knife in his hands as well as his pocket. He had stabbed Cas in the stomach too, but not deep enough to kill. Not yet anyway. He had time to at least escape Alastair.

Cas kept the knives since there was no way he was going back in to get his stuff. He turned and ran without another look back.

It became harder and harder for Cas to run as the adrenaline rushed out of him. He’d run a mile at least and was a safe enough distance to rest as he started to take note of the damage he’d been dealt. Nothing was broken thankfully. He knew that much. Dean had taught him everything he knew about hunting and healing. It would definitely be useful now. Unfortunately, he didn’t have his bag with him. Dean had packed it when they left so he knew it had everything he needed at this exact moment. Right now, he needed alcohol and stitches. The problem was that he didn’t have either. What could he do? For now, all he could do assess the damage.

Deep cut from when Alastair slashed him in those first few minutes. He hoped it wouldn’t get infected. Next, there was an even larger cut on his shoulder that was fairly recent. He could tell because it was still bleeding. A few minutes before he made his escape with the “I have to pee” line, Alastair had asked him a question yet again about the whereabouts of the humans. Cas refused to tell. He stayed loyal. Mainly for Dean. He couldn’t hurt Dean, even if he knew for sure that Dean had stopped looking for him--or never was for that matter.

There were numerous other cuts and scars but none as bad. A tiny one on his forehead stung, but not as bad as the others so he didn’t focus on it. Right now, he had to focus on getting the bleeding to stop.

So he continued to apply pressure to his wound. That’s when he rediscovered his biggest problem. There was one cut on his stomach that was much more severe than the rest. The stab wound. It wasn’t a cut, rather a gouge. It was quite serious actually. This needed to get fixed quick. He was losing blood very fast as well. It was life or death with this one--bleeding through his shirt, which he then stripped off and applied pressure to the area yet again. He hissed at the pain and squeezed his eyes shut. Alcohol would hurt even worse but it would kill all of the bacteria and prevent it from hurting. And he would love to drink some right now to lose the pain.

What do you do with damage this bad if you don’t have the supplies you need? Dean never taught him that. Then another problem occurred to him. He couldn’t stay here. Alastair will be on the move, chasing Cas down. He won’t stop. There was a huge bounty on Cas and no angel would stop the hunt until they found him.

“That doesn’t look too good.” Cas’ head spun around. He would stand up if he were in the right shape to, but he couldn’t. He was in so much pain. It wasn’t an option anymore. Blood was leaving his body fast, despite the pressure. He needed stitches. Fast.

“Who are you? Show yourself.” He held the knife, hidden behind his back, caressing the handle as he prepared to fight.

“Please don’t hurt me. I’m here to help.” It was a girl’s voice. A rather young sounding one. A redheaded woman then stepped from the shadows. She had beautiful, straight red hair like Charlie’s, big hazel eyes. She wore a v-neck blouse under a dirtied black jacket with plain jeans. “My name is Anna Milton.” Cas’ eyes widened, fearful. He saw the strap of the gun that hung over her back along with a backpack--possibly filled with medical supplies. And food!

“What’s your name? You don’t need to fear me. I’m not a Croat.” He let her continue as she changed the question. “Who did this to you?” She examined his wounds and her eyes stopped at the immensely painful stomach wound he showed. Castiel coughed. He didn’t know how much longer he could go on and he was becoming desperate.

“Please help,” he rasped. She nodded quickly and slung her gun over her head. Then she tore off her backpack too, kneeling down next to him. That’s when he passed out.


	9. It Just Won't Leave Me Alone

He didn’t wake for quite a while afterwards. It was morning when he did. Anna was still waiting there for him when he woke up. “How long have I been out?” Cas asked groggily.

She looked up at him, away from the apparent food she'd found. “Almost two days,” she replied with the same sweet voice as two days earlier. So this was the… fourteenth day away from Base. He was starting to lose track of time. Two weeks. He’s been assumed dead for a week now, probably to Dean, too.

“Thank you… For healing me,” he said, examining his practically healed wounds.

“Of course." She smiled at him, handing him whatever it was that she was eating. "No problem.” She explained what had happened while he ate and just hearing her side of the story jogged his memory. “So, first thing’s first," she began when he was finished. "I want a name of the man I just saved,” she said with a dutiful smile.

Alias or truth? “My name is Castiel.” Truth. Anna seemed trustworthy. And loyal too. After all, she’d stayed here and cared for Cas for almost two days.

“Odd name. Where are you from?”

Alias or truth? “Before or after the monsters?”

“Before the Croats.” She knew about Croats. What else did she know?

Truth. Anna could be trusted. Anna was not the enemy. “Heaven. I am--was an angel of the lord. I lost my grace.” This was the real question. Will she now think of him as a crazy drunk or take him seriously?

“Oh.” Maybe she thought he was insane. She should. “So what’s your story? Tell me everything there is to know about you and I’ll tell you what you want to know in return.” Cas smiled.

“I like that plan.” And Castiel, for some odd reason, trusted her. He told her absolutely everything as if she were kin.

He started with growing up. Even if she thought he was weird, she didn’t express that. She just sat and listened. He told her everything from watching the fish come onto land for the first time, to watching Cain kill Abel, to watching David kill Goliath, to picking sides with the apes in the evolutionary race because he liked their poetry better. And she listened. And she accepted him. She even seemed to admire him… like Balthazar used to. Before he... Well, before Castiel offed him.

He told her about his garrison the last two thousand years. About Anael, Uriel, Balthazar, Rachel, Hester, Samandriel, Bartholomew, and the eleven other angels in it.

Then he got into these last two decades. He told her about working alongside Uriel and having no idea he was on Lucifer’s side the whole time. He told her about pulling Dean from Hell and how he felt the first time he saw him. He laughed when he told her about the unmistakable handprint he left on Dean’s shoulder that stayed for at least two months. There were definitely some funny parts to their relationship. Just when he was about to continue on with the story, past Dean's part, she interrupted.

“I want to hear more about Dean. What’s he like? Where is he?”

“Dean and I got separated recently. We actually didn’t leave off on a very good note either." He frowned. "It’s been almost two weeks since I last saw him.”

Anna frowned, too. “What happened?”

“Well, we were out getting food and supplies and hunting for our camp but our group left us one morning. You see, Dean isn’t a very patient person. He likes things done when he wants and how he wants. It’s good sometimes but other times it’s a big disadvantage. So sometime late afternoon our group still hadn’t come back and Dean was pissed. So he told Garth and I that he was going to find them even though they still had a few hours before they said they’d be back!” Cas could hear the anger in his voice and Anna could too. She placed a hand on his and Cas took a deep breath. “So some time after, I left to find him. He’d never left for that long. And since then I’ve been through hell and back by now. Well, not literally this time. And I haven’t seen him.”

“So what’s Dean like?”

“Dean? Oh Dean is…” Cas smiled, cheering up. “Dean is almost too great for words but I’ll try.” He paused. “Dean, is unbelievable. He's like looking into the sky at night and seeing a shooting star. Only, he's more than that. Dean is an ocean of mystery to everyone but his brother and I. He's magnificently pulchritudinous, and infinitely wise, yet so beyond stupid sometimes." Anna laughed. "I could go on forever about Dean, but I won't. I will say, however, he smells great. Like gunpowder, whiskey, and leather. Don't ask why it's a good smell. Maybe it's only nice to me. Who knows."

“How serious are you two? Has he said I love you yet?” she asked excitedly.

“Yes," Cas smiled. Anna giggled and sighed at him happily.

"It's nice to hear such beautiful things in these times, you know?"

"Oh yes."

"Do either of you have siblings?"

"Yes. Dean has a brother, Sam. And he kind of has two sisters if you want to count technicalities. There's Charlie and Jo, who aren't related by blood, but Dean has taught me that family doesn't have to be related by blood. It's more dedication and love that bring us together."

"That's actually very true and the way you put it is just beautiful."

"Thank you--"

“Cas,” Anna whispered all of a sudden. “Quickly and quietly, kick my my gun to me and do not move.” Cas knew the drill and followed her instructions. He slid her the gun on the ground and she took it, slowly looking around them. “Get yours too. We’re surrounded. Hear them?” she whispered. Cas nodded, alert now, grabbing his gun and slowly standing up with her. It was more difficult for him still, due to the injuries, but he managed. He began looking around them at where his targets might be. It was that time of day. A hotspot. Where were they, though? He still didn’t know. Clearly they were in either an undiscovered hot zone or one of the five known. Three North, which seemed more likely, and two in the West of their camp.

"Come out ya crazy assholes!" she shouted all of a sudden. Cas' eyes went wide when she did so, shocked.

"Anna!" he hissed.

"What?" she asked defensively now, in hunting mode. "They're gonna come at us eventually, I'd just rather not be surprised. Give 'em a minute, they'll come out."

She was right. Mere seconds later, three Croats attacked. Castiel effortlessly swung around and shot one directly in the chest, where his heart is. He turned just in time to shoot another in the head as it snuck up on Anna and she gracefully offed the last one.

After taking a moment for both of them to catch their breath, Anna smiled at him. "We make a nice team, Castiel."

"That we do."

"Maybe we'll both survive and figure out how the hell to get outta here alive."

"I'd like that a lot." They both smirk and get moving just in case.


	10. I Still Find It All A Mystery

"So, uh, I have no idea why I haven't bothered asking before. Do you have even a remote idea of where we are?" Castiel asked two nights later. They'd progressed a couple miles since the attack--probably in the exact opposite direction of where they should be headed. Cas liked Anna, he really did. She was sweet and kind, but in a fight she was merciless and rarely needed looking out for.

"As a matter of fact," she started, getting Cas' hopes up. "I don't." He could almost feel his heart dropping in his chest.

"I need to find Dean!" he complained out loud.

Anna looked over at him sympathetically, simultaneously shooting a Croat as soon as she saw it. It was like she sensed it coming. "Aw, I know. We'll get you back to him somehow." She paused, stopping her steady pace. "Can I tell you something?" Cas nodded, stopping as well. "I'm honestly starting to lose hope. I've been out here God-only-knows how long, hunting Croats and trying to survive, but it's all getting to be a bit much, you know?" He nodded again, completely understanding. "Sometimes I just wish that they would get me. I wish I could just give up. But I can't. Especially not now. I've come so far and now, I've found you. And honestly, Cas? You're the best thing that's happened to me since the virus started spreading back in '14." Cas smiled weakly at her.

"You're right. We can't give up. And if we ever find my camp, they'll gladly welcome you. We'll be safe. Together. You'll get to meet Dean," there was a sharp stab in his chest whenever he thought of Dean now, "and you'll meet everyone else, and everything will be okay again. It'll be great." She smiled at him.

"Think we should settle in for the night?"

"Why not?" he shrugged, sitting down.

As usual, they started to take inventory, repack, etcetera. Anna sighed as she began repacking. "One bottle of whiskey left." She then looked up at mischeviously. "Should we?"

"Anna, no. We have to save it. What if one of us gets hurt again?"

"Neither of us have gotten hurt since you came along."

"That's not to say it won't happen." He really wanted the whiskey, too, though. It would be such a relief right about now to just drop down and forget everything, drowning in the ecstasy it brought along with it.

"C'mon, Cas! It's been forever since I had a drink, for one. We've worked hard these past couple days today. And God knows I should be celebrating meeting you. We deserve this, Cas!" He smiled and gave in, she was right after all. They did deserve this.

So soon enough, the bottle was completely empty between the two of them and apparently, they both got drunk pretty fast. This was not as good of an idea as they'd assumed it would be.

It wasn't a good idea because they both fell asleep at the same time and no one was awake to keep watch for Croats. So that night, when Croats attacked Anna in her sleep, Cas nearly slept through it. But he didn't. He woke up and grabbed his shotgun underneath him, trying to aim in his drunken state. It was difficult but he got it. After three shots were fired, the guy was fallen dead.

"Anna!" he said and clumsily made his way to Anna who was lying on the ground beneath him, breathing sharp, fast breaths. "Anna, Anna no. Please!" He knew she was dying. There was absolutely nothing he could do to save her. She was going to be a Croat in four hours or she was going to die because of the gouge he left in her. It was far bigger than Cas had seen in years and he couldn't save her.

Unless...

No. The thought was ridiculous. He wouldn't give this up now. He's come so far. And how would he get it back anyway?

He would have to shoot Anna now or let her die painfully, agonizingly slow.

Or he could give up his humanity and save her. But how? He needed to do it. After all she's done for him, it's the least he could do for her now.

"Anna, I have to get my grace back. I can save you if I get my grace back." She had a panicked look about her when he said that.

"Don't leave me here," she moaned in pain. It hurt him to watch.

"Anna, I have to. I have to find an angel and steal their grace, or get my own back."

Abruptly, she took his hand and looked him in the eye. "I was an angel. Cas, I was Anael." His eyes widened. Things just got so much more realistic for him. Watching her die. Again. "Cas, I couldn't tell you. I can't explain why. You can't save me. There are a lot of reasons why, but one is that I simply don't want to be saved this time. Please don't. But Cas..." She sucked in a harsh breath to continue with. "Please get my grace. You can use it. To find Dean. Not to heal me, to heal you. You need Dean. You're so lost without him. I can see that." She wasn't going to last much longer. "You'll find my grace about three miles forward, towards where I was leading you. It's in a hole in a big oak tree. I kept it in a vile. You won't miss it. I know it's still there, though. We're close. I can feel it."

"Why?" he asked, meaning why are you giving me your grace and practically killing yourself?

"It's all part of the bigger plan, Castiel." Her eyes slowly drooped shut and Cas felt her fingers loosen over his own. Dead. Another ally dead.


End file.
